Directed by Marcus Nispel
Written by Damian Shannon, Mark Swift, Mark Wheaton
Cinematography by Daniel C. Pearl
Editing by Ken Blackwell
CAST: Jared Padalecki, Amanda Righetti, Danielle Panabacker, Derek Mears

Man, are we ever inconsistent here at Phase-Four. We promise reviews and web serials and can’t deliver on any of them. Things will change; jobs will be lost and then you will all wish we had lives to go back to. In case you haven’t noticed, we don’t really care to review films that many would consider “worth” reviewing. Don’t get me wrong, I can turn on the film snobbery at a moment’s notice, but this is not the time, and this is not the film. So here we go, Friday the 13th.

Let me start by saying that I love the Friday the 13th series even though, let’s face it horror fans, it’s an unoriginal cockroach of a franchise whose only lasting imprint on film history is Jason Voorhees’ hockey mask. It never had the originality of its predecessors such as Black Christmas, Halloween, and The Texas Chainsaw Massacre so why bother even reviewing it? Well, there are two things the series has done, and arguably done better than any other slasher film series: tits and kills. That’s it. That’s the secret formula to the success of the series and also why it has endeared itself to so many. Some will say that this convention is standard among all slasher films, but none have done it with as much perverse glee, or creative brutality as the Friday the 13th series (all right all right, Nightmare on Elm Street probably holds the edge on “creative” kills). Case in point, my all time favorite kill in any horror film from F13th part IV: The Final Chapter:

Ahhh. There’s just a certain “je ne sais quoi” about the series that speaks to its fans. As a result the series defies conventional criticism; you can’t kill it with bad reviews or claims of indecency, or letter writing campaigns to Paramount studios. It’s as indestructible as Jason Voorhees himself. If not even the appeals of Siskel and Ebert can stop the franchise, you know that there is something special going on. What most film reviewers forget or just simply choose to ignore, as it is too frightful a prospect to their profession, is that any qualitative summation of the film should be based on the film’s elaborate staging of sex and/or deaths. Now the ultimate question: how does it rate on the F13th sexy-kill-o-meter? Well, it’s no Final Chapter (see above link), but it delivers the goods from the get go and keeps a fairly steady progression of boobs and mayhem until the very end; no psychic battles (see part 7 for you newbies) or gimmicky locales, just straight ahead back to basics Voorhees.

For the uninitiated, all F13s follows a very simple story structure: sexy teens arrive at a summer camp for a weekend of debauchery, only to be massacred one by one by a deformed drowning victim once thought dead with mother issues, leaving the most virtuous characters (typically a scared, screaming, semi-clothed virgin running around the woods) to fend off the monster with her chastity. There have been variations on this structure, most notably a trip to New York City and outer space, but it has essentially stayed the same for the past 30 years, and this film is no different. This isn’t really a remake but more of a condensation of select narrative elements from the first four films, wherein Jason still exhibited characteristics of a human being and not a super-powered zombie, which has been the norm for the last 7 films. That’s enough of a back-story for those new to the series, so let’s get to what we all come to these films for. First off: sex. Before I begin let me just say that I’m not talking about sex and nudity as they relate to an overall state of “sexiness”. Nudity and sex in these films provide an immediate visual gratification providing the instantaneous response of “Sweet. Boobs!” It’s a typical adolescent response that we have all been conditioned to suppress, but we’re all still thinking it, so no need to get offended or pretend that it’s not true. The sex scenes in F13th aren’t erotica, but they’re not porn either; the “money shot” is always met with a machete to the taint (see F13th part 3). I’ll have more on the topic of porn a little bit later. So yeah, the film delivers on nice looking breasts of various shapes, naked and clothed alike. Someone has pointed out to me that it looks as if the filmmakers attempted to illustrate the history of the breast from all F13ths into this one film; from the 70’s natural droop to the silicone implants of today. I have chosen to believe that this is so because it’s just too awesome a theory to discredit. For this reason alone the film gets full marks in the nudie column of my F13th report card.

So what about the kills? In the past we’ve seen a knife to the back of the throat while eating a banana, being smashed up against a tree while hiding in a sleeping bag, smashing a face frozen by nitroglycerin against a table, and a cleaver to the face of a paraplegic who then gets thrown down a flight of stairs while still sitting in his wheelchair. Those are some big shoes to fill, and in a way the film can’t really compete with such an extensive backlog of kills without falling into homage territory. Unfortunately, most of the “holy shit!” kills bring to mind past films and that’s all fine, but in the end it leaves most seasoned Friday fans with a binderdundat sentiment. However, that doesn’t mean that the film fails on the killing front. While the killing set pieces are not the most creative, they are among some of the more brutal in the series. Many of the set pieces possess a kind of intimacy between killer and victim that shockingly, makes the series almost scary again. You heard me right; they found a way to make the 12th film in the ongoing series a horror film again and not just a boobs and blood parade. Of all of the things that I was expecting, nay demanding, this was something that I didn’t think was possible. However, I can’t end this discussion on kills without mentioning, in specific detail, one kill that encapsulates the whole point of this review.

SPOLIERS:
Jason stalks a topless swimmer in broad daylight. She attempts to hide from him by swimming underneath the dock. She hears heavy footsteps above her; through the cracks we see Jason slowly scanning the waterline. He sees nothing and turns away, his footsteps seemingly fading in the distance. A look of relief comes over her face. Suddenly Jason’s machete comes down through the boards of the dock, stabbing her through the top of her head, killing her instantly. He lifts his still impaled machete out of the boards; her body bobs out of the water showing her breasts one last time as he retracts the machete from her head. Just in case you missed them.

In that 15 second shot you have all the elements of the series. I really don’t think there is anywhere else to go in terms of kills in this series. It has to be the peak.

While many have criticized the series for its apparent coda of sex=death, I’ve always thought that such a critique was giving the filmmakers way too much credit. In a way it’s much too clever, it posits the belief that these films possess a critical worldview, which is ridiculous. I think there is a simpler coda and it’s one that explains why these films continue to endure, and why we love them; STUPDITY=DEATH. Watching F13th is a communal experience where most of the fun comes from shouting at the screen to people who can’t hear you, telling them to “Don’t go into the woods you jerk he just killed all of your friends!” or “Stop eating that banana you fucking hippie, he’s right behind you!” and so forth. You laugh at the bad dialogue, the bad acting, and it’s comforting to be smarter than the characters in the film. It’s unintentional slapstick brought on by budget constraints and bad filmmaking. Interestingly enough, the newer films have attempted to mimic this crudeness because, at least in my opinion, it’s what people respond to. Being legitimately scary has become an afterthought in the series seeing as though we know who will be dead from the minute they show up on screen. If the film manages to produce a scare or two then it’s all the better for it, but more than anything else it’s about shutting your brain off, and indulging in sex and death with friends. If you’ve noticed I haven’t mentioned any of the actors or filmmakers involved in this film or its predecessors, its because it isn’t really worthwhile to mention them in the context of a F13th film; they are all on board to make FRIDAY THE 13TH, there can be no real sense of authorship after 11 sequels. There are no true alternate versions or “re-imagining” of the series because it’s structure doesn’t allow for it. It just is what it is. You either accept it and love it, or accept it and avoid it. It’s like a Big Mac. Sure it’s not good for me and there are things I could consume that would improve my overall wellbeing but fuck it, its Friday the 13th and sometimes we all want/need to see pretty people get killed with a machete.